I’ll Be Good…I Promise!

Calling all mums…have you an only child? Is it a boy? Then you will understand, hopefully, and the rest will just lecture I am sure.

If you have read any of my blogs you will know I have a great Son, aged 27, and I am proud of him for loads of reasons, not just that he has survived the loss of his sister when he was 13 and in the first term of his boarding school without going off any rails.

I love hearing about what he is getting up to in London, at work etc…and he occasionally phones to let me know. As he shares a flat with his father but rarely sees him due to work/social commitments on both sides it’s great to catch up. Nothing wrong with that surely?

(At this moment I have my Hubby’s voice and a few friends’ voices too, yelling “It’s none of your business” . Let me say right off I KNOW!!!!!! but I can’t believe I am the only mum who feels like this ….)

What am I chuntering on about? My son has met a wonderful young lady and they are about to embark on the next phase of their lives. Bless them, they came down to give me a great Mother’s Day after my long drive back from Yorkshire ( another blog in the writing)…great food, lots of drink ( oh my head!), and my son told me of their next move. I am so pleased for them!! I have only me his girlfriend twice now, but she seems kind, loving, and they seem to make eachother happy, which is what its all about, isn’t it.

I think I was good, and didn’t tell them what I thought they should do…I am sure my son would have told me if I’d been a nightmare!! However, I keep thinking “this is what I’d like to say to them from what Hubby and I did”…NO – NOT telling them what to do!!!! It IS their life, not mine, and boy, have times changed!! But not everything has, and I would like to tell them it might be a good idea to rent for a year or two to get used to living together first. After all, my son might have some dreadful habits which might drive her nuts- hIs father did!!

Are you yelling at the screen yet? I asked Hubby how he felt about it, and of course he is happy for them both “but its nothing to do with us”… GRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Am I a sad old biddy? I do have a life of my own, but he is our offspring and I am interested in his life….ok,ok, I am a nosy old biddy for sure, but I promise here that I really DON’T want to be one of THOSE mothers of sons who expects to be involved in every aspect of his life. I know they will chose the best thing for them, and all I will offer is my support should it be needed, a bed and a meal whenever they want; I promise not to assume they will spend any public holiday with us ( as my mother did), unless they suggest it ( although some planning of food etc will be needed…no, no I will resist!),

In fact all I can promise is that I will do my best to be interested and not interfere. I will look forward to hearing what they are up to, but unless its been a month since I heard from them I won’t call to see if they are still alive…I am sure Hubby and friends will keep me to this! However I also promise I will never stop caring for them, and I do mean them not just him. I know he has grown up to be a good, kind, thoughtful chap (he had a good model), and I am sure she is wonderful, otherwise they wouldn’t be together.

Right, that’s me done…I am sure you want to yell at me that “it is none of your business!!!”…

L

Work in Progress

I am sitting in a new venue to write this – my husband’s desk in our study….sounds very posh and business-like doesn’t it, but as the desk is covered in my husband’s stuff there isn’t much room. It is all golf related with a no-longer-used cigar humidor in one corner, books, envelopes, golf rules files…It is my husband in a nutshell. I could move it all off so I can work in an uncluttered environment, looking out onto our garden (split lawns, one nick-named the Gin and Tonic lawn!) but I am reluctant to. Hubby is not here, and probably wouldn’t mind, if I put it all back where its supposed to be, but I am reluctant. It is his space.

Why aren’t I using my desk?? Its far too cluttered, is a drop-down desk, and if I open it I will have to acknowledge there is stuff in there decades old that I no longer need or use…that’s after I’ve picked up most of it that has tumbled out all over the place as it is so full. Do you shove things into draws to tidy up? Besides, it faces a dark wall, and there is an armchair in front of it….

So I have the perfect excuse to invade my husband’s space…and he is in London anyway until Friday as per usual.

I am trying to start a new discapline of sitting down to write something at least once a week. Stop groaning, I know I’ve said all this before! I need to change my mindset, get myself going, set new goals…yeah, yeah, heard it all before, I’ve said it all before – etc, etc! but that doesn’t make it any the less valuable for all that. Humans are always Work In Progress, as a species and as individuals. It is when this process stops that civilisations crumble, stagnate, decay. That is what I feel is happening with this individual, and so I look to the outside World for new influences.

At the moment that is scary, with all the tradegy that is out there. However, as always, thankfully, there are positives going on; humanity helps eachother in times of need, stress, horror, as it should. Let us hope that this continues!! For me it means making sure the world around me is a kinder place, showing those I know that I value them as friends, family, neighbours, even strangers. That also includes myself. It is tricky for those in power to know where to start to make things better when there are so many things needing improvement. For me it is much more simple…I need to move more, get out more, stop stagnating; the need to face the world even tho I am larger than I have ever been, to move more (even though on TV over the weekend I saw I am walking like Winnie-Ther-Pooh with stubby legs), and to concentrate on what can go right instead of what might go wrong.

So as our government here in the UK tries to work out how it can improve the lot of its populace, so I am going to work out how to improve my overall health, starting with a game of golf this afternoon…

Now, please don’t think I have been flippant comparing my obesity to the awful things that have happened in the last few weeks. I have typed my thoughts as they have flowed, realising that I have very few readers, but wanting to share what is going on with me. You can unfollow me if you feel strongly enough about it – I will be sorry, but as I don’t know you personally I am not going to have a huge outpouring of grief on social media. Just because someone does not pour their hearts out on Twitter or Facebook does not mean they are not feeling sadness or horror over things occuring in the outside world. I think perhaps common sense and a real perspective are being squeezed out by the desire to look more upset than anyone else. There, probably that is another unpopular view I have revealed.

Before I loose every single  reader I am going to sign off, get off my backside, and go do something else. Have a wonderful day whatever you are doing.

Lx

I’m Back!

Hello!

Did you miss me? No? I have been off-line due to Jetpack update sending the site haywire… I think several folks have had that problem, but were more tech savvy than me and could fix it. It’s taken me all morning, and several goes to fix, and now I will celebrate by having lunch on my terrace! It is thanks in part to a friend on FB and the site hosts that I managed to get through this.

It is scary to go in and “fiddle” with computer stuff when you are not used to it, even with YouTube videos etc, as they show pages that look nothing like mine, or the addresses aren’t the same…you know what I mean, right? I’m wondering if I should go on a computer  course for ‘almost oldies’…because, of course, I am not old yet!

Anyway, once I have sorted a particularly nasty looking bramble that is in my line of site, I will get back to entertaining you all.

Lx

Oh no…my fault!

Photo on 09-03-2017 at 14.16 #2 OMG!!!!! 

Have you ever had a day of panic when you find something isn’t working, you can’t remember passowrds ( or how to even spell the word itself!), and you can’t get to speak to a human being to talk you through what you think you need to do???

That was me yesterday when I logged onto this site and found it disabled! Arrrgh! Just as The Meuse, who rarely comes these days, had decided to pop in for coffee. I tried going in in different ways, then once I had got to a certain point I would be told of an error in large red and white banners. I stomped around the kitchen trying to wrack my menopause-addled brain for any passwords I had forgotten.

Late in the afternoon I realised I needed to contact my “server”…who??? Isn’t that WordPress?? Hold on, I’m sure I pay an annual sum to some company or other…begins with…A? Frantic calls late in the afternoon to a friend gave me a company…I emailed them, and then realised they are just my anti-spam guys; oh bugger! More help from Jo led me to discover a company under whose umbrella other companies get to host our sites. I had a lovely digital chat with Craig who said it wasn’t them, but try this company; discovery by Jo of yet another company, cries for a large gin to no-one ( Hubby in London during the week ), and then a rummage in the draws of the computer table (ok, so I am not organised and yes, I KNOW I should be! Give over!) triggered a memory of someone beginning with S….SI….SIG??? Ah ha! SGIS hosting! Got it…..

I managed to send them a cry for help, and poured myself that longed-for gin, cook supper, and fell asleep watching Sophie Rayworth finding out something about her ancestors (I’ll have to re-watch it later).

SO, here we are , and of course you can see all is resolved. What? You want to know what happened? oh well…confession is good for the soul…it turns out I had forgotten to pay my annual renewal…OK? Satisfied? Feeling smug? Or have you just checked when yours is due??

From today I promise not to procrastinate, and when the reminders pings into my electronic mail box, I will pay immediately! I am even now making a note of all the new passwords, sites, companies I need to know…I just want to check on April the Giraffe…

Lx

Was it a Heart Attack?

The answer before we all panic is no.

For a few weeks I have been having odd pains in my chest, heavy crushing sensations, and odd pains in my back. I have been put on statins ( oh the side effects!), blood pressure pills, and stomach pills to help against the other pills! I hate taking pills and up to now have never managed to remember to take them for very long, so it is quite a feet that I am still taking them.

I have also had a CT scan to check the old ticker is in place…so much nicer than an MRI machine!! They had to put dye and beta blockers into me to get the picture…and all I can say is I am VERY glad the doctor warned me of the very warm sensation that occurs in one’s nether regions (such a lovely way of putting it, don’t you think?) when they hit the heart!! Golly, what a sensation! It was described as thinking I had wet myself, but it wasn’t quite that bad! No, much nicer! I say no more. 😉

Well, today I thought I was having a heart attack, so I called the doctor…eventually, after using my Nitromin spray, and resting for a while. He called me back and I described what I was feeling. Apparently it sounds like Coronary Artery Spasms which made me feel better, especially as I am alone this evening. I am sure if there had been another person here I wold have ignored the pain and just worried. We are still awaiting the results of the scan, but I am assuming it is not bad otherwise they wouldn’t have let me leave the hospital, would they!

So tonight, I shall be kind to myself. I will light the wood burner in the study, make some fab veg soup for supper, and put on the new Jason Bourne film ( which my men have already watched WITHOUT ME!!!) My dog beside me, a warm drink and Mat Damon…what more can a gal want?

I am so glad I made that call.

Lx

Leaky Ceiling!

Oh Boy! What a weekend I have had! Yes, this is a very First World problem, and before I go any further I will say how grateful I am for the ability to have this problem, and the ability to solve it – but BLOODY HELL!!!!

This past weekend was one of those Golfing Guests weekends when Hubby has a competition and I play hostess and taxi service to the gentlemen. I love sharing our home with these men, who are generally very grateful, interesting to talk to, and highly intelligent. I have known most of them for about 15 years now and they always make me feel a great hostess.

We had had one Peter for Friday night, supper and Saturday breakfast (cooked). He and Hubby left at 8am and I pottered around until 10am when one of the wives ( and wife of our best man) came to visit for the day – We don’t see each other often but its always lovely to catch up.  We spent the morning at Great Dixter Christmas Fair http://www.greatdixter.co.uk as we sometimes do, and came home for lunch and to continue our chat. As I laid the kitchen table I noticed the runner was damp ( I don’t normally have one on, but I was feeling posh!) I looked up to find drips coming from the light fitting above. Long (very very long) story short, I couldn’t turn off the mains, I couldn’t get a plumber immediately, and after a lunch of watching the drips and feeling it was a little like water torture, my friend left early.

The first emergency plumber who was supposed to come between 1pm-5pm called at 4.45pm and said they would wouldn’t make it but could on monday morning. I booked them in and called another…they said they would be there asap and would text when on their way….nothing. When Hubby and guest no.2 came home they couldn’t turn off the stopcock either! SO I served them tea and toast, drove them to their dinner and collected them later…and still no plumbers.

Even the insurance company could not get an emergency plumber for that day. Sunday morning a lovely chap came from Plumber Emergency Company no2 – turned everything off, did as much as he could to try and work out which pipe was leaking, and left us Sunday afternoon none the wiser but al least the drip had stopped, and we knew it was not from the mains, so we had running water in the kitchen and one loo.

Hubby went to work unshowered ( he used his gym at lunchtime) and I soldiered on until a knight in shinning armour turned up at 4.30, and within discovered the leak – from a loo above the kitchen that is only occasionally used! I felt like hugging him, but left him unmolested, and instead enjoyed a long bath in celebration.

Now begins the chore of getting the ceiling and the lights sorted. We will be extremely lucky if it is done before our next golfing guests arrive in the first week of January, but to be honest I don’t care! The water torture is over and the insurance comapny has said they will pay for repairs. Woohoo!

At least I now where my stopcock is!

Lx

 

 

So, What Now?

What was your reaction to Trump being elected? I’m British, so we have had our “moment” with Brexit…I panicked, I cried, I thought it was the end of our country ( well, I am a dramatic one!), I had an awful moment with my friends who had voted differently from me…one of my very rare bursts of anger…and then the sun rose again, we got over it, we are getting on with sorting out our political situation here, for better or worse. My friendship with those gals has survived.

So, I watched the US Election …well, the end of it – that 4.30am wake-up that quite a few women of my age suffer. I panicked, I thought about the end of the world, I made tea, the World settled down in my house, and I breathed again. I am sorry for Americans, but then I remind myself there must be checks and balances within their system that will mean Trump will not be able to bomb anyone without his team behind him, allowing it.

This is where any American readers, or those better informed than myself will be yelling at their screens and telling me just how wrong I am; but my point is ( yes, there is one!) the world keeps turning, and it is now up to us, whoever we are, wherever we live, to make sure our bit of the world is a good one….

Be kind to each other PLEASE!!!

Do not HATE someone else ( or yourself)

Lets make our bit of the world the best we can…Small steps, small actions can mount up into one big action.

Yes, its one of those posts…you don’t have to like it, but I felt the need to write it! Breathe, and think. Breathe and act.

Go be awesome!

Lx

Am I Cured Now?

For those who are regular readers, and who know I have been “in therapy”, here is an update…

If you are a new reader, have a flip through the last few posts and you will find that I have had at least a year of depression, that resulted in my seeking help from a therapist. She was brilliant for what I needed at the time ( that sounds very bad English!), and helped me to climb out of the “Slough of Despond” that I had fallen into.

So here I am now, having passed the two rotten anniversaries of my Father’s 20th and Daughter’s 13th deaths. Both days were sunny and filled with love rather than sadness. Always a good alternative!

What changed? Well, obviously the therapy, which had me acknowledging the type of relationship I had with my parents, acknowledging what a tragedy we have suffered, and trying to discover Me. However it seemed we were wallowing in the past, and I am normally very much a Face Forward person. I prefer to think about the future rather than reliving the past. I am sure those of you who understand how therapy works would say you have to study the past to understand the present, and I think I do.

In trying to find my path forward I have also gone to both Homeopathy, which seemed to help lift my mood ( and was told I was at a crossroad in Life), and then had to go to traditional medicine as I was suffering chest pains and tightness…never a good combination! A few weeks into taking statins, blood pressure pills ( it was 185/? after trying to park at the hospital!!), and stomach pills I have to admit physically I am feeling better…emotionally too!!

Yes folks, Life is looking better!! WOOHOO! There is still much to do…I am obese, I have lower back ache, probably from sitting on my vast bottom too much, and I still get out of breath ( poor lungs have so little space amongst the fat). BUT my knees aren’t hurting (fingers crossed) and my ankles don’t lock so much nor are so swollen. The dog still looks at me longingly for walks…we are going as soon as this is posted. I am facing a skiing holiday in February with sinking heart but I will have a go…so long as I can get into my ski-stuff!

Otherwise, I am back doing my drawing, photography courses, and beginning yet another clear-out of clutter (it’ll never end!). We are moving Forward. Am I cured yet? No – not sure I ever will be, is anyone? BUT I am going in the right direction!!!

Coming with me?

Lx

I’m Proud Of You

Have you heard this much in your life? I haven’t to be honest. It wasn’t something my parents said…it could have been a generation thing, or just not something that entered my mother’s head…it could be that I just don’t remember.

It is something I say to my son quite a lot. I AM proud of all that he is achieving, and has achieved. Not the least being to live a regular life having lost his sister when he was 13. Hopefully no-one would look at him and say there goes someone in grief…something I hope for all 3 of us, to be honest! He hasn’t become addicted to drugs, become a mass murderer, or anything…as far as I know!

Today he begins a new job, leaving shift work behind and starting a Monday-to-Friday lifestyle, which hopefully will be good for his soul.

Telling our children we are proud of them surely can’t be wrong? When my two were young it seemed all American children were encouraged and praised for any little thing, and we British parents were rather reticent about it. I certainly have changed…I wonder if everyone has too? Or was it just in my family that praise was scarce?

So, incase you have no-one around to say it to you…I am proud of You!      ( I’m proud of me too)

Go be awesome.

Lx

I admit it, I get depressed

“Oh don’t we all” I hear you cry.

It’s true, we all get down at times, have the Black Dog as Churchill called it, and I have those days too. However recently I have been having worse days – days when to be honest the thought that if I wasn’t here it wouldn’t matter. Other bad things too, which I won’t bore you with. Enough to say having to put my last cat down was the last straw…and no, I’m not a mad Cat Lady!

So now “in therapy”, and it is helping!! I hadn’t realised how much I was missing being able to honestly say things to another human; to have my views shown to me in a different way; to have questions asked that trigger different thoughts. It is early days but I do feel more positive now.

I wondered about posting this…but I am not ashamed of needing, and receiving, help. Sometimes it is good to confess.

Lx

 

 

Are you there?

Morning from a cooler South East of England. There is moisture in the air and the birds are singing like mad. Me and the pets are much happier now the intense heat has abated, even though it was only a few days.

I have a big decision to make about this site. I have just looked at my stats and realised a few things…

  1. I hardly blog any more
  2. hardly anyone is reading the blogs
  3. its costing me money!

SO…. do I keep this site going and try and blog more, assuming that the more I blog the more people will read it; or do I cut my losses and save the dosh in the long run?

Only I can decide this, and I’m not going to do it today…so You, whoever you are ( and indeed if you are there!) will have to wait for the next instalment!

In the meantime it is an art day today, so I will look out my pastels, find something in the garden I want to attempt to draw, then check the email about what we are supposed to be drawing (!), change the item, panic that I am late, and dash off!

 

Laters, dudes!

L x

Oh God- it’s sunny!

I can hear the rest of the South East cheering, packing up their beach gear and cutting the sandwiches…actually, does anyone still do that?

Here I awoke crying. I’m better now, having WhatsApp’d a couple of friends, and switched off the news. For some the sun brings out the best. Today the sun made me feel very down. Don’t ask me why – if I knew that I could do something about it. Is it my vast flabby body? My aching knees? The voice of my husband in my head pointing out I wouldn’t feel like this if I’d exercised more? He does it out of love, no really, he does! Also he is obsessed with exercise…OCD obsessed! Talk about Jack Sprat and his wife, that’s us! 

Something has been cancelled today and in a way that frees my morning. I am trying to look upon it as a good thing. I won’t have to drive to another town, park, walk to the coffee house…is it sounding sincere? Didn’t think so. I was looking forward to catching up with a friend, but her business changed that – we will do it in a few weeks time, hopefully. Meanwhile, I need to go vote in the local elections, shop, get petrol & diesel so I can mow the lawns, walk the dog, actually mow the bloody lawns, and then just bloody get on with stuff! AND CHEER UP!!!!!! 

I don’t like feeling The Black Dog, as my mother and Churchill called it. No-one does. For me it comes and goes, sometimes in the space of a few hours, sometimes a few days. As I get older the dog gets blacker. I know in my heart that if I got on with everything I need to get done, moved more, and got thinner and fitter, then my moods migh lighten. There is no guarantee, but doctors, fitness experts etc tell us the chemicals our bodies produce after exercise are like a natural happy pill…I am NEVER taking happy pills, by the way before one of you mentions them…I can’t even regularly take vitamins, I’m hopeless at it! 

So, today’s rule is No TV until Pointless at 5.15pm. OK? I can have the radio, my Audio books, anything else, but no TV…hopefully it means I won’t sit down until abou 4 pm, when I’m promising myself tea on the terrace with my knitting.

Place your bets, ladies and gents.

May your day be a happy one.

Lx