So, What Now?

What was your reaction to Trump being elected? I’m British, so we have had our “moment” with Brexit…I panicked, I cried, I thought it was the end of our country ( well, I am a dramatic one!), I had an awful moment with my friends who had voted differently from me…one of my very rare bursts of anger…and then the sun rose again, we got over it, we are getting on with sorting out our political situation here, for better or worse. My friendship with those gals has survived.

So, I watched the US Election …well, the end of it – that 4.30am wake-up that quite a few women of my age suffer. I panicked, I thought about the end of the world, I made tea, the World settled down in my house, and I breathed again. I am sorry for Americans, but then I remind myself there must be checks and balances within their system that will mean Trump will not be able to bomb anyone without his team behind him, allowing it.

This is where any American readers, or those better informed than myself will be yelling at their screens and telling me just how wrong I am; but my point is ( yes, there is one!) the world keeps turning, and it is now up to us, whoever we are, wherever we live, to make sure our bit of the world is a good one….

Be kind to each other PLEASE!!!

Do not HATE someone else ( or yourself)

Lets make our bit of the world the best we can…Small steps, small actions can mount up into one big action.

Yes, its one of those posts…you don’t have to like it, but I felt the need to write it! Breathe, and think. Breathe and act.

Go be awesome!

Lx

Am I Cured Now?

For those who are regular readers, and who know I have been “in therapy”, here is an update…

If you are a new reader, have a flip through the last few posts and you will find that I have had at least a year of depression, that resulted in my seeking help from a therapist. She was brilliant for what I needed at the time ( that sounds very bad English!), and helped me to climb out of the “Slough of Despond” that I had fallen into.

So here I am now, having passed the two rotten anniversaries of my Father’s 20th and Daughter’s 13th deaths. Both days were sunny and filled with love rather than sadness. Always a good alternative!

What changed? Well, obviously the therapy, which had me acknowledging the type of relationship I had with my parents, acknowledging what a tragedy we have suffered, and trying to discover Me. However it seemed we were wallowing in the past, and I am normally very much a Face Forward person. I prefer to think about the future rather than reliving the past. I am sure those of you who understand how therapy works would say you have to study the past to understand the present, and I think I do.

In trying to find my path forward I have also gone to both Homeopathy, which seemed to help lift my mood ( and was told I was at a crossroad in Life), and then had to go to traditional medicine as I was suffering chest pains and tightness…never a good combination! A few weeks into taking statins, blood pressure pills ( it was 185/? after trying to park at the hospital!!), and stomach pills I have to admit physically I am feeling better…emotionally too!!

Yes folks, Life is looking better!! WOOHOO! There is still much to do…I am obese, I have lower back ache, probably from sitting on my vast bottom too much, and I still get out of breath ( poor lungs have so little space amongst the fat). BUT my knees aren’t hurting (fingers crossed) and my ankles don’t lock so much nor are so swollen. The dog still looks at me longingly for walks…we are going as soon as this is posted. I am facing a skiing holiday in February with sinking heart but I will have a go…so long as I can get into my ski-stuff!

Otherwise, I am back doing my drawing, photography courses, and beginning yet another clear-out of clutter (it’ll never end!). We are moving Forward. Am I cured yet? No – not sure I ever will be, is anyone? BUT I am going in the right direction!!!

Coming with me?

Lx

I’m Proud Of You

Have you heard this much in your life? I haven’t to be honest. It wasn’t something my parents said…it could have been a generation thing, or just not something that entered my mother’s head…it could be that I just don’t remember.

It is something I say to my son quite a lot. I AM proud of all that he is achieving, and has achieved. Not the least being to live a regular life having lost his sister when he was 13. Hopefully no-one would look at him and say there goes someone in grief…something I hope for all 3 of us, to be honest! He hasn’t become addicted to drugs, become a mass murderer, or anything…as far as I know!

Today he begins a new job, leaving shift work behind and starting a Monday-to-Friday lifestyle, which hopefully will be good for his soul.

Telling our children we are proud of them surely can’t be wrong? When my two were young it seemed all American children were encouraged and praised for any little thing, and we British parents were rather reticent about it. I certainly have changed…I wonder if everyone has too? Or was it just in my family that praise was scarce?

So, incase you have no-one around to say it to you…I am proud of You!      ( I’m proud of me too)

Go be awesome.

Lx

I admit it, I get depressed

“Oh don’t we all” I hear you cry.

It’s true, we all get down at times, have the Black Dog as Churchill called it, and I have those days too. However recently I have been having worse days – days when to be honest the thought that if I wasn’t here it wouldn’t matter. Other bad things too, which I won’t bore you with. Enough to say having to put my last cat down was the last straw…and no, I’m not a mad Cat Lady!

So now “in therapy”, and it is helping!! I hadn’t realised how much I was missing being able to honestly say things to another human; to have my views shown to me in a different way; to have questions asked that trigger different thoughts. It is early days but I do feel more positive now.

I wondered about posting this…but I am not ashamed of needing, and receiving, help. Sometimes it is good to confess.

Lx

 

 

Are you there?

Morning from a cooler South East of England. There is moisture in the air and the birds are singing like mad. Me and the pets are much happier now the intense heat has abated, even though it was only a few days.

I have a big decision to make about this site. I have just looked at my stats and realised a few things…

  1. I hardly blog any more
  2. hardly anyone is reading the blogs
  3. its costing me money!

SO…. do I keep this site going and try and blog more, assuming that the more I blog the more people will read it; or do I cut my losses and save the dosh in the long run?

Only I can decide this, and I’m not going to do it today…so You, whoever you are ( and indeed if you are there!) will have to wait for the next instalment!

In the meantime it is an art day today, so I will look out my pastels, find something in the garden I want to attempt to draw, then check the email about what we are supposed to be drawing (!), change the item, panic that I am late, and dash off!

 

Laters, dudes!

L x

Oh God- it’s sunny!

I can hear the rest of the South East cheering, packing up their beach gear and cutting the sandwiches…actually, does anyone still do that?

Here I awoke crying. I’m better now, having WhatsApp’d a couple of friends, and switched off the news. For some the sun brings out the best. Today the sun made me feel very down. Don’t ask me why – if I knew that I could do something about it. Is it my vast flabby body? My aching knees? The voice of my husband in my head pointing out I wouldn’t feel like this if I’d exercised more? He does it out of love, no really, he does! Also he is obsessed with exercise…OCD obsessed! Talk about Jack Sprat and his wife, that’s us! 

Something has been cancelled today and in a way that frees my morning. I am trying to look upon it as a good thing. I won’t have to drive to another town, park, walk to the coffee house…is it sounding sincere? Didn’t think so. I was looking forward to catching up with a friend, but her business changed that – we will do it in a few weeks time, hopefully. Meanwhile, I need to go vote in the local elections, shop, get petrol & diesel so I can mow the lawns, walk the dog, actually mow the bloody lawns, and then just bloody get on with stuff! AND CHEER UP!!!!!! 

I don’t like feeling The Black Dog, as my mother and Churchill called it. No-one does. For me it comes and goes, sometimes in the space of a few hours, sometimes a few days. As I get older the dog gets blacker. I know in my heart that if I got on with everything I need to get done, moved more, and got thinner and fitter, then my moods migh lighten. There is no guarantee, but doctors, fitness experts etc tell us the chemicals our bodies produce after exercise are like a natural happy pill…I am NEVER taking happy pills, by the way before one of you mentions them…I can’t even regularly take vitamins, I’m hopeless at it! 

So, today’s rule is No TV until Pointless at 5.15pm. OK? I can have the radio, my Audio books, anything else, but no TV…hopefully it means I won’t sit down until abou 4 pm, when I’m promising myself tea on the terrace with my knitting.

Place your bets, ladies and gents.

May your day be a happy one.

Lx

Fight The Good Fight

This is my school’s motto, and one it is good to remember…but do I? Nope!

Yesterday I met up with two very good friends for a coffee/chat/shop, and it reminded me how easy I find it to not do this; it is too easy to hide in my home and vegetate. I was told by an old friend that I always had this tendency, and it really is one to fight against. It’s a danger to not only my mental health, my physical health is suffering too. The ridiculous thing is that as soon as I meet up with friends, go up to our London flat to be with my two men ( son & hubby in case you are looking shocked!), go out for a walk, shop or just get out, then I remember how much I love seeing others, moving around, and being in the World.

So why do I let myself go the opposite way? Is it just my weight…in which case it’s a vicious circle…or am I like a sloth? I am a curvaceous woman at heart anyway. At the mo I am an obese one, but my weight fluctuates so much… Or at least it has done in the past. Lately I’ve felt the Universe has dumped a decade or so on me, which is really annoying, as I’ve always thought of myself as early 30s…stop laughing those who know I am 57!! So I can’t let this hold me back. My mother did, refusing to go with my father to office parties etc (tho her deafness was a factor here too) and it made my father very sad.

So I am going to try from now on to have at least one social event per week, be it dog walking, shopping or meeting for a coffee and chat. I am also going to try to stop apologising for being a big woman…and whilst I’m on the subject I do wish my favourite shop would stock more Plus sizes!! Just because I’m fat doesn’t mean I don’t want to be smart too!! Oh, I feel a rant coming on, so I will drink some tea, breathe and get back on subject.

Next week is a fab start to this new life as I’m back at Art, it is Camera Club-in-the-pub week, and I’m going out another night with another group of girls. I’m exhausted just typing this! A bit of a feast after the famin! 

All this has been triggered by a fab trip to Tokyo with Hubby, after a week spent in Norfolk with him during the Varsity Golf Match ( Cambridge Ladies and Oxford men won). I do like my Old Man – he is a true Gentle Man, and good fun to be with. If you see us together I’m sure Jack Sprat and his wife springs to mind. 

So feel free to nag me in comments if I don’t post in a week or so what else I am doing! I’d love to hear if anyone else finds this hermit- tendency creating up on them too… We could fight it together! 

I shall go gird on my armour ( make-up & clothes I love) and go chat to the World…be warned! 

Lx

Here begins the next phase.

What a weekend we have just had! Every year we host a few male golfers for a competition at Rye in East Sussex called The President’s Putter. This is for the members of the Oxford & Cambridge Golfing Society, known as The Society. Hubby has managed to get to the final once as the standard ranges form not bad to scratch and mildly professional.

This year saw Hubby become Captain…shades of The Dead Poet’s Society spring to mind, but without the poetry! This is a 2 year stint which means lots of mileage, very few free weekends (although that is up to the individual), the odd trip abroad, at least one “golf tour, wives not included”, and not a little pride from Yours Truly. Sadly Hubby still is working full time so even less time will be spent together, but hopefully I will spend more time mid-week with Himself in London, with the odd meal out ( fingers crossed), and LOADS of brownie points being earned here.images

Now, I’m not promising I will love every minute of His tenure, but knowing it is something he loves makes me happy. Soppy? Of course it is…I love him!

Lx

Is it You or Me?

Don’t Panic – I’m not breaking up with you!! I am starting 2016 with a rather deep question for you. When you talk to yourself…and don’t try to say you don’t – who exactly are you talking to? Do you say “you” or “me/I”?

This question struck me when I was giving myself a good talking to at the end of the year and thinking of how to enter 2016; what frame of mind did I need to encourage? This was, of course, being done at 4.30am as most middle-aged woman do. (what is it about that time??)

I realised I have been talking to “you”. This stranger, another person, who perhaps didn’t inhabit the head/body/soul that is Me. Was this the reason I have recently not appreciated myself enough; the reason for the odd depression blip, the occasional total lack of confidence?

I decided to experiment, starting there in the dark in bed, and I addressed “Me”.

“Hello, Me. Why am I awake?” (my head won’t shut up)

“Well, just remember I am a wonderful Gal who looks  crap with bags under the eyes. I love me so go to sleep whilst I hug me”…(zzzzzzzzz)

You get the picture… I then kept it going, talking to Me in the mirror even, and when there were quiet moments, checking in with Me, and trying to make sure I was “in”.

At first I wondered if this was counter-productive with my Yoga…after all, are we not supposed to be getting rid of the Ego and becoming One with the Universe? Then I decided that actually this universe is Mine, its how I interpret my Life, what I see, experience etc, and certainly I was feeling better allowing Me to exist in it.

The result of my experiment? I am happier, more centred, love my skin , finding it easier to appreciate who I am, and – really weird – I am finding it easier to accept compliments! (and there have been a few this weekend!)

So, go on, have a word with yourself and find out who you are talking to. You may be surprised.

Lx

 

Hello from a very mellow me…I feel rather like I’m floating through the morning here…how are you?

The reason? Something happened in my yoga practice which switched this feeling on. I started with a few minutes spinning just to warm up my spinning…and that’s standing on the spot swinging round to one side and then the other, not on a bike, folks! Then moving through my poses until Shavasana. I settled down into it, releasing the tense spots, which always surprise me that they exist! Somehow it didn’t last long so I moved on to my Om chant, which seems to be getting stronger and longer as I practice. I finished that when it felt right, and just sat….and sat…I don’t know how long passed, but I felt my gentle smile, felt my spine lengthen, felt grounded and connected with the sky too… and now feel very mellow.

Do you ever get into that state? Isn’t it lovely? I wonder how long it will last. I’m off with the dog to do some hill walking above Hastings so we shall see!

Namaste, Dear Reader. Have a good one!

Lximages

Do you have an Itinerary?

As the year draws to a close Hubby and I have at last had a chance to look at next year’s dates…

Hubby is going to be Captain of The Oxford & Cambridge Golf Society, hereafter referred to as The Society  – actually I think that’s how everyone in golf refers to it! This is a 2 year stint, and one he is really looking forward to. He played for Oxford but will need to be impartial from a while, if possible…I don’t think I have to be tho!

So, after the last of our golfing guests left on Sunday hubby and I sat down with his blackberry and noted his Golf Itinerary for next year as far as he as it…

We got as far as September, and I began to feel a little sad.  Golf Widdow has not really been how I have thought of myself, and normally I am doing other things; but this time I realised I have nothing in my Itinerary yet! A few of the dates also include me, which is nice, but on the whole wives are not really included.

So, instead of letting the lonely feelings begin to drown me I am determined to fill my year and myself! I shall spend more time with Hubby during the week ( dog and holiday cottage willing!), and then make sure I am going away, seeing friends, and doing more photograph, art etc…

This sounds a bit selfish when I read it back, but actually its self-preservation, as well as marriage-preservation! I want the most out of this life now that there is less in front of me than behind, and I want to be happy and fulfilled. If I am then I will be a better companion for Hubby when we are together, and that in turn will make me happy!

So, after this I will be booking self into a photography course, perhaps making plans with friends who I will see this afternoon, and I definitely will do more entertaining!!!

Right World, be warned!

L x

Starting Again

This morning, feeling that suddenly the Universe has dumped a whole lot of age on my body (ok, I mean I’ve put on a load of weight & haven’t moved enough recently – the effects are the same!), I actually managed to do a yoga practice.

After a mediation to start with I creakingly got going, bending further and further with each movement. The knees complained a bit, my hip thought some of it wasn’t fun, and my back cracked when I got down for some bridge work. The Corpse pose wasn’t perfect as my mind wouldn’t shut up but we made it through to my final mediation of Om…

You know that moment when everything aligns, your mind stills, your heart slows, and the vibrations from the sound you make fill you up? ….It was one of the best ones I’ve ever managed! I couldn’t stop!! Again and again I felt myself fill up with vibration, sound and then laughter…the only reason i stopped was I wanted to laugh out loud – so I did! A few tears came with the laughter, which was great; a sense of release and peace came then.

I am very grateful for that.

SO, after breakfast I signed up to Curvy Yoga for a year of monthly practices, and (once I get my password right (!) ) look forward to joining in with other curvy yoga folk.

Right, am now feeling the chill from sitting still so will get up and get moving.

Have a great day, Namaste

L x