Are you there?

Morning from a cooler South East of England. There is moisture in the air and the birds are singing like mad. Me and the pets are much happier now the intense heat has abated, even though it was only a few days.

I have a big decision to make about this site. I have just looked at my stats and realised a few things…

  1. I hardly blog any more
  2. hardly anyone is reading the blogs
  3. its costing me money!

SO…. do I keep this site going and try and blog more, assuming that the more I blog the more people will read it; or do I cut my losses and save the dosh in the long run?

Only I can decide this, and I’m not going to do it today…so You, whoever you are ( and indeed if you are there!) will have to wait for the next instalment!

In the meantime it is an art day today, so I will look out my pastels, find something in the garden I want to attempt to draw, then check the email about what we are supposed to be drawing (!), change the item, panic that I am late, and dash off!

 

Laters, dudes!

L x

Oh God- it’s sunny!

I can hear the rest of the South East cheering, packing up their beach gear and cutting the sandwiches…actually, does anyone still do that?

Here I awoke crying. I’m better now, having WhatsApp’d a couple of friends, and switched off the news. For some the sun brings out the best. Today the sun made me feel very down. Don’t ask me why – if I knew that I could do something about it. Is it my vast flabby body? My aching knees? The voice of my husband in my head pointing out I wouldn’t feel like this if I’d exercised more? He does it out of love, no really, he does! Also he is obsessed with exercise…OCD obsessed! Talk about Jack Sprat and his wife, that’s us! 

Something has been cancelled today and in a way that frees my morning. I am trying to look upon it as a good thing. I won’t have to drive to another town, park, walk to the coffee house…is it sounding sincere? Didn’t think so. I was looking forward to catching up with a friend, but her business changed that – we will do it in a few weeks time, hopefully. Meanwhile, I need to go vote in the local elections, shop, get petrol & diesel so I can mow the lawns, walk the dog, actually mow the bloody lawns, and then just bloody get on with stuff! AND CHEER UP!!!!!! 

I don’t like feeling The Black Dog, as my mother and Churchill called it. No-one does. For me it comes and goes, sometimes in the space of a few hours, sometimes a few days. As I get older the dog gets blacker. I know in my heart that if I got on with everything I need to get done, moved more, and got thinner and fitter, then my moods migh lighten. There is no guarantee, but doctors, fitness experts etc tell us the chemicals our bodies produce after exercise are like a natural happy pill…I am NEVER taking happy pills, by the way before one of you mentions them…I can’t even regularly take vitamins, I’m hopeless at it! 

So, today’s rule is No TV until Pointless at 5.15pm. OK? I can have the radio, my Audio books, anything else, but no TV…hopefully it means I won’t sit down until abou 4 pm, when I’m promising myself tea on the terrace with my knitting.

Place your bets, ladies and gents.

May your day be a happy one.

Lx

Fight The Good Fight

This is my school’s motto, and one it is good to remember…but do I? Nope!

Yesterday I met up with two very good friends for a coffee/chat/shop, and it reminded me how easy I find it to not do this; it is too easy to hide in my home and vegetate. I was told by an old friend that I always had this tendency, and it really is one to fight against. It’s a danger to not only my mental health, my physical health is suffering too. The ridiculous thing is that as soon as I meet up with friends, go up to our London flat to be with my two men ( son & hubby in case you are looking shocked!), go out for a walk, shop or just get out, then I remember how much I love seeing others, moving around, and being in the World.

So why do I let myself go the opposite way? Is it just my weight…in which case it’s a vicious circle…or am I like a sloth? I am a curvaceous woman at heart anyway. At the mo I am an obese one, but my weight fluctuates so much… Or at least it has done in the past. Lately I’ve felt the Universe has dumped a decade or so on me, which is really annoying, as I’ve always thought of myself as early 30s…stop laughing those who know I am 57!! So I can’t let this hold me back. My mother did, refusing to go with my father to office parties etc (tho her deafness was a factor here too) and it made my father very sad.

So I am going to try from now on to have at least one social event per week, be it dog walking, shopping or meeting for a coffee and chat. I am also going to try to stop apologising for being a big woman…and whilst I’m on the subject I do wish my favourite shop would stock more Plus sizes!! Just because I’m fat doesn’t mean I don’t want to be smart too!! Oh, I feel a rant coming on, so I will drink some tea, breathe and get back on subject.

Next week is a fab start to this new life as I’m back at Art, it is Camera Club-in-the-pub week, and I’m going out another night with another group of girls. I’m exhausted just typing this! A bit of a feast after the famin! 

All this has been triggered by a fab trip to Tokyo with Hubby, after a week spent in Norfolk with him during the Varsity Golf Match ( Cambridge Ladies and Oxford men won). I do like my Old Man – he is a true Gentle Man, and good fun to be with. If you see us together I’m sure Jack Sprat and his wife springs to mind. 

So feel free to nag me in comments if I don’t post in a week or so what else I am doing! I’d love to hear if anyone else finds this hermit- tendency creating up on them too… We could fight it together! 

I shall go gird on my armour ( make-up & clothes I love) and go chat to the World…be warned! 

Lx

Here begins the next phase.

What a weekend we have just had! Every year we host a few male golfers for a competition at Rye in East Sussex called The President’s Putter. This is for the members of the Oxford & Cambridge Golfing Society, known as The Society. Hubby has managed to get to the final once as the standard ranges form not bad to scratch and mildly professional.

This year saw Hubby become Captain…shades of The Dead Poet’s Society spring to mind, but without the poetry! This is a 2 year stint which means lots of mileage, very few free weekends (although that is up to the individual), the odd trip abroad, at least one “golf tour, wives not included”, and not a little pride from Yours Truly. Sadly Hubby still is working full time so even less time will be spent together, but hopefully I will spend more time mid-week with Himself in London, with the odd meal out ( fingers crossed), and LOADS of brownie points being earned here.images

Now, I’m not promising I will love every minute of His tenure, but knowing it is something he loves makes me happy. Soppy? Of course it is…I love him!

Lx

Is it You or Me?

Don’t Panic – I’m not breaking up with you!! I am starting 2016 with a rather deep question for you. When you talk to yourself…and don’t try to say you don’t – who exactly are you talking to? Do you say “you” or “me/I”?

This question struck me when I was giving myself a good talking to at the end of the year and thinking of how to enter 2016; what frame of mind did I need to encourage? This was, of course, being done at 4.30am as most middle-aged woman do. (what is it about that time??)

I realised I have been talking to “you”. This stranger, another person, who perhaps didn’t inhabit the head/body/soul that is Me. Was this the reason I have recently not appreciated myself enough; the reason for the odd depression blip, the occasional total lack of confidence?

I decided to experiment, starting there in the dark in bed, and I addressed “Me”.

“Hello, Me. Why am I awake?” (my head won’t shut up)

“Well, just remember I am a wonderful Gal who looks  crap with bags under the eyes. I love me so go to sleep whilst I hug me”…(zzzzzzzzz)

You get the picture… I then kept it going, talking to Me in the mirror even, and when there were quiet moments, checking in with Me, and trying to make sure I was “in”.

At first I wondered if this was counter-productive with my Yoga…after all, are we not supposed to be getting rid of the Ego and becoming One with the Universe? Then I decided that actually this universe is Mine, its how I interpret my Life, what I see, experience etc, and certainly I was feeling better allowing Me to exist in it.

The result of my experiment? I am happier, more centred, love my skin , finding it easier to appreciate who I am, and – really weird – I am finding it easier to accept compliments! (and there have been a few this weekend!)

So, go on, have a word with yourself and find out who you are talking to. You may be surprised.

Lx

 

Hello from a very mellow me…I feel rather like I’m floating through the morning here…how are you?

The reason? Something happened in my yoga practice which switched this feeling on. I started with a few minutes spinning just to warm up my spinning…and that’s standing on the spot swinging round to one side and then the other, not on a bike, folks! Then moving through my poses until Shavasana. I settled down into it, releasing the tense spots, which always surprise me that they exist! Somehow it didn’t last long so I moved on to my Om chant, which seems to be getting stronger and longer as I practice. I finished that when it felt right, and just sat….and sat…I don’t know how long passed, but I felt my gentle smile, felt my spine lengthen, felt grounded and connected with the sky too… and now feel very mellow.

Do you ever get into that state? Isn’t it lovely? I wonder how long it will last. I’m off with the dog to do some hill walking above Hastings so we shall see!

Namaste, Dear Reader. Have a good one!

Lximages

Do you have an Itinerary?

As the year draws to a close Hubby and I have at last had a chance to look at next year’s dates…

Hubby is going to be Captain of The Oxford & Cambridge Golf Society, hereafter referred to as The Society  – actually I think that’s how everyone in golf refers to it! This is a 2 year stint, and one he is really looking forward to. He played for Oxford but will need to be impartial from a while, if possible…I don’t think I have to be tho!

So, after the last of our golfing guests left on Sunday hubby and I sat down with his blackberry and noted his Golf Itinerary for next year as far as he as it…

We got as far as September, and I began to feel a little sad.  Golf Widdow has not really been how I have thought of myself, and normally I am doing other things; but this time I realised I have nothing in my Itinerary yet! A few of the dates also include me, which is nice, but on the whole wives are not really included.

So, instead of letting the lonely feelings begin to drown me I am determined to fill my year and myself! I shall spend more time with Hubby during the week ( dog and holiday cottage willing!), and then make sure I am going away, seeing friends, and doing more photograph, art etc…

This sounds a bit selfish when I read it back, but actually its self-preservation, as well as marriage-preservation! I want the most out of this life now that there is less in front of me than behind, and I want to be happy and fulfilled. If I am then I will be a better companion for Hubby when we are together, and that in turn will make me happy!

So, after this I will be booking self into a photography course, perhaps making plans with friends who I will see this afternoon, and I definitely will do more entertaining!!!

Right World, be warned!

L x

Starting Again

This morning, feeling that suddenly the Universe has dumped a whole lot of age on my body (ok, I mean I’ve put on a load of weight & haven’t moved enough recently – the effects are the same!), I actually managed to do a yoga practice.

After a mediation to start with I creakingly got going, bending further and further with each movement. The knees complained a bit, my hip thought some of it wasn’t fun, and my back cracked when I got down for some bridge work. The Corpse pose wasn’t perfect as my mind wouldn’t shut up but we made it through to my final mediation of Om…

You know that moment when everything aligns, your mind stills, your heart slows, and the vibrations from the sound you make fill you up? ….It was one of the best ones I’ve ever managed! I couldn’t stop!! Again and again I felt myself fill up with vibration, sound and then laughter…the only reason i stopped was I wanted to laugh out loud – so I did! A few tears came with the laughter, which was great; a sense of release and peace came then.

I am very grateful for that.

SO, after breakfast I signed up to Curvy Yoga for a year of monthly practices, and (once I get my password right (!) ) look forward to joining in with other curvy yoga folk.

Right, am now feeling the chill from sitting still so will get up and get moving.

Have a great day, Namaste

L x

Another Loss

IMG_4542
Lala Cat looking at me whilst her brother snores on

I know this is nothingcompared with the loss of lives over the weekend, all round the World, but this morning I found one of our cats dead outside the front door. She was our Daughter’s cat, Lara ( named after Lara Croft), over 17 years old, and rather smelly & scrawny. She didn’t like many people, stalking my husband for years before deciding to ignore any male in the house, hiding from strangers, but loving to fall asleep on my lap in my bouncy chair and purr like you have never heard! We had to turn the TV volume up once she got going. I called her Lala Cat.

Sadly it may have been either my husband or I who might have hit her this morning on our way out to the station…I really hope not. I am hoping she died first, or it was the milkman…anything else than thinking I killed her.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not normally sentimental about animals, and don’t believe in paying vets a fortune to prolong agony just so the human can feel they have done all they can…I can never forget our daughter saying that if she had been an animal we would have had her put to sleep gracefully and painlessly when she was in agony with her cancer.

But now, ( yes, I know I shouldn’t start a sentence with but!!) I am the only female soul in the house. The fact that I have registered this shows that it matters to me, ‘tho it shouldn’t. It is another thread physically broken with our daughter. Perhaps I’m not as “healed” as I think, as I’ve PRIDED myself in being.

Then the little practical voice that has my mother’s tone says…”For goodness’ sake, it was only a cat! Worse things are happening elsewhere, and life goes on. Now pull yourself together and go do the shopping…but have a shower first!” “And p
ut some make-up on!” (see, even my inner voice has bad grammar).

SO, up for a shower, on with the “face”, and lets see what the rest of the day brings. It can only get better!

Lx

 

 

Love Not Hate

I know the Internet is full of blogs and posts telling the rest of us that all this hate for others is only producing more bloodshed and that Love conquers all…but obviously the wrong people are reading them, and those who are causing all the bloodshed don’t bother to read our positive messages.

They never will.

Their minds are closed to sunshine, thinking their way is the only way. They may be doing all that they can through fear for the loss of a way of life, loss of beliefs, loss of power. Some of it comes across as the fear of the rise of Women, or the loss of power from the Men…I’m not a feminist, but rather a believer in everyone being equal. The people who are fighting against that are using religion as their excuse. They seem to be basing their ideas on life lived many hundreds of years ago…Life may have been simpler then, but we cannot live in the past.

This does not mean we have to get rid of all of our beliefs, our “rules” for living, but we do need to adapt…after all that is the law of survival. Each religion needs to grow with the World, adapting and adopting as they go to provide a firm base for those who want to live according to those beliefs.

None of these should include the killing of anyone else for the sake of that religion!!! I can’t believe there is any god anywhere who would think the taking of life is a good thing! God would surly regard every life as sacred. Do not all religions believe God created life and us? I honestly don’t know as I have not studied them; but having turned away from organised religion several years ago I still believe in a benevolent Being/Power/Energy who is behind Life… that being is, I believe it is something that would abhor this fighting in It’s name.

Be honest Folks! The reason you are killing each other is because you want the Power over others.

DON’T BLAME GOD

Ok, that’s just my view, and I hope that Love Will Conquer All!

Lx

It’s Autumn!

imagesDon’t you love this season? Oh yes, we all love the sun and fun of Summer, but with Autumn comes the changing colours in the landscape, the chance to put on your favourite jumper ( hides my curves wonderfully cos its baggy) and my favourite pastime…Kicking up piles of leaves!!!

A friend is winging her way over to the US at this moment towards the Land of The Great Pumpkin (Peanuts ref) and has promised to send us wonderful pictures of Hallowe’en decorations. Living in the depths of the English countryside we have never really been into putting pumpkins etc outside, nor decorating the house inside…ok, that “we” is “me”…but not this year!!

At this precise moment we have 2 pumpkin outside, and several paper ones inside. Later I will go round the garden and see if I have any Autumn flowers left to bring inside ( this is where I realise what a bad gardener I am).

I’m doing it now as Son is coming home for the weekend with Hubby…now a rare occurrence as he is working at Iglu Ski and thoroughly enjoying it. Now that he visits rather than living here all the time I want to make each visit special. ( soft mother)

Of course, along with the wonderful colours comes the mists, dampness and the first of the “heating going on” discussions!! On the plus side I can light our fires, light candles and follow the Danish traditions of Hygge. SO guess where I went yesterday? Yup…Ikea! Well, it had to be done! As did eating the meatballs…stop it! I can hear you laughing…tell me you’ve never done it!

Right, I’m off to put a vest on, check the heating thermostats, and gather some leaves. Have a good one!

Lx

 

It’s OK to be Down

Ever felt that we are bombarded by posts telling us that we must Be Positive. Think Positive Thoughts etc? I am actually one of those who repost those wonderful sayings and pictures, but I am also on elf those who gets really down too – my mother called them the Black Dog days…I think Winston Churchill called them that too, and I can see why.

Saturday morning was a beautiful morning here and promised to be a great day. I had arranged to meet a girlfriend for lunch, Hubby is away so no large laundry pile to be done by Sunday night. The day was mine to do as I pleased with…but I didn’t want to get out of bed! My stomach had the pitch black heavy feeling that I hate, and the thoughts of death floated upwards…not of suicide I quickly add, but of the peace of not being.

These feelings pass. I got up, got the papers, did some shopping, and went to lunch with my friend.

And so the feeling passed. It always does. I just have to remember that!

I think it’s ok to admit to these days, to show I am human, and certainly have never been perfect, despite being blessed with so much in my life. I don’t think I am abnormal, or strange…I am sure everyone gets these days, but perhaps they don’t broadcast them. I’m just saying to you, Dear Reader, that I think it’s ok to admit to them.

 

That’s all, back to normal sunny disposition, as I roast a leg of lamb for another friend.

Hugs to those who need them.

L xhugging_kittens