Well, what did you expect? (Or “you stupid woman!)


Well, it was bound to happen! After all it was my birthday… And…. I felt a cold coming on…and…they were there….and…and…and…

I have put weight on! A full 1and 3/4 lbs!!

I’m not really surprised…oh, OK, so I hoped that I had got away with it as I have been doing so well up till now….but looking back on the week I have enjoyed the food and drink I have consumed – two nights out, champagne, wine, cognac – the birthday seemed to go on for a few days. During all this I maintained the 3main meals and two snacks to balance my insulin levels, and kept the water intake up.

No, I can pinpoint the real culprit food wise! It was the LARGE box of chocolate biscuits that I had bought for Christmas and had only opened recently for a two year old…( damn that child! No. I can’t blame her!) …
I SHOULD HAVE THROWN THE BOX AWAY!!!!!! That’s what Hubby said when I told him I had eaten so many of them over two days! ( I can always rely on him for the bald truth!) No gold stars for honesty with him!

So today when Adam comes for my training session I am going to disappoint him. And me.

Also my right knee is hurting all the time.

I can’t ask for your sympathy, as the weight gain is self inflicted. Perhaps a little sympathy for my knee? No? Oh, OK.

What I really don’t want to happen is that I give up! I have done so well up till now, and I had a blip over Christmas that I managed to get over. I will get over this one too! I just have to ensure that NO BISCUITS cross my threshold again in the near future!

One thing I was really please about was that I felt I was getting over my fear of going out for dinner…the fear that the food would win. I have shown myself that, sadly, if I really go for it with the food and drink there will consequences weight-wise, but I should be able to soon work that off.

I do not want food to become my enemy again!

So, this woman now has to get back on track, try to keep exercising despite the knee, to not panic about food and socialising, accept responsibility, and move on!! Having been reminded how awful I feel after a load of bad sugary foods and drinks, I need to remind myself how fab it feels to be clean and energised with the right food and drink!

Am I forgiven?? By me… Yes. I’m only human!

Now for a new day!



Please Let us Talk!

IMG_0210As you know Saturday was my birthday. And as a lovely surprise a friend popped in for tea…I do love a good natter over a mug and a nibble, you might have noticed! Sitting at the kitchen table putting the World to rights and laughing about its antics always cheers the soul.

This friend is special in that she is the only other woman I know who has lost a child. Her daughter died of a brain tumor at an early age a few years before I met the family, and is buried in the same graveyard as our Ally. She has also just lost her father which is always a blow to a girl! She has been there for me and I have been there for her. That’s what friends are for!

During the course of our natter about this and that we were talking about how her mother is coping with widowhood and having to do things for herself, and about talking about the person just departed. My friend said in a very small voice that her family don’t let her talk about her dead daughter.

Without thinking I replied,”Oh but you must! It’s how we keep them alive”! My friend cried.

I could have kicked myself, but then thought NO! I understand why some people don’t want dead people brought into a conversation – perhaps they didn’t know them, or don’t know how to react, or are just not able to think about that person because of their own grief, but to us mothers of dead children it is so, SO important to be able to remember them and talk about them.

Sometimes we need to be able to be sad about our loss and what that child will never have, never be; sometimes it is such JOY to remember something wonderful about them, or that happened with them…watching the DVD of Ally in the Nativity for example is just bliss!

But to hear that my darling friend is not allowed to do this with other members of her family just dumbfounded me. In fact I thumped the table with my finger! So we reminisced… She about her daughter and her lack of hair, and funny comments. I really wish I had met her, she sounds a scream!


Please, Please, if you know someone who has lost someone else, and they want to talk about that person, let them! It might make you feel uncomfortable, or even bored, but you will be acting like a true friend and helping them.

Thank you.


Introducing The Big Beast

Saturday was my 54th Birthday!

I LOVE birthdays…especially mine! 

For at least a week I have been teased by this very large box which was delivered by courier! OK, so I might just have Googled the name on the side of the box – but I didn’t open it!!  I was good, and opened it the minute Hubby brought it upstairs!!

IMG_0565Now, I won’t bore you with the endless unwrapping, squeals of frustration and delight as yet another box was unveiled…IMG_0567And if anyone comments on that pile of clothes on my chair I shall scream!

However you are allowed to admire my PJs!! Hubby got them from the US for me! They are v v warm…but I digress!

As the hour wore on, and the mound of empty boxes and bubble wrap grew so did my delight at what was emerging!

For YEARS I have been dropping hints to the family that I wanted a star gazing telescope (as opposed to bird watching or neighbour watching type!) and bless his heart Hubby had finally understood! I think it was all those recordings of Dr. Brian Cox that might have at last got through to him! Teehee!

And so, here Dear Reader, I present to you …IMG_0574The Big Beast!! The telescope, I mean!!

How does it work?? Oh come on! I haven’t read the manual yet!! Actually as I type I still haven’t, despite rushing out last night in the cold to look at the moon and Orion”s belt!

Oh it was fantastic…once I had found how to focus the eye piece, insert the other one, move the telescope into the right position, reposition it with the twiddly nobs on long handles, rush back in for my glasses, realized the glasses didn’t help, screamed as Hubby almost ran me down in the drive, and forced him to try to feel as much excitement and awe as I was feeling, and obviously failed!

I think I saw craters on the moon…certainly there were dark and light bits, and really bright shinny bits; but the thing that didn’t grab Hubby but made the hair stand up on the back of my neck was the hint of stars behind the stars I was looking at! There is a cluster to the right of Orion ( no, I don’t yet know what its called, the book hasn’t arrived yet, OK?! ) which I managed to lock onto and get them vaguely in focus…and as I looked I could see faint stars behind them! Just as I reach one limit another is visible!

Does this star gazing make me realize how small and insignificant we are in the universe? Well, no…what did that for me was bobbing up and down in the Indian Ocean whilst diving and waiting for the boat to collect us! What this does for me is open up my mind to infinite possibilities!

What it also does is make me realize I am going to have to read that bloody manual! Damn!…Oh well, where did I leave my specks?


The Power of Words


I think I have a problem!

Do words hold a power for you? I suspect they have a strong hold on me!

Take the two words above…TARGET GOAL

One has a positive feel, one a negative, for me. The colours give you an idea which is which!

I think in my mind TARGET= FAIL, GOAL=Success.

Why do I think this? Because Adam, my Personal Trainer, had set me a small TARGET for my birthday (26/1) To reach 14stone.
I haven’t.
I still have 3 days but I would have to lose 3lbs in that time and that is not healthy…never mind the fact I have some socialising/celebrating going on between now and then!
My excuse? It was cold over the weekend and the heating was on almost all the time…I ate more and drank less water than I should have! You must know by now how good I am at making excuses!!

ON the plus side….yes, there always is a plus side!… I have reached a loss of 2&1/2 stones! WOOHOO!!

BUT… I am going to suggest to Adam that we start using the word GOAL, or even MINI-GOAL rather than the T word, and lets see if that has a different effect on me.

So my next MINI-GOAL is to get under the 14stone mark on February 1st.

Watch This Space!


Excited to enlarge

For once I am really excited about something that is being enlarged… And before you go thinking boobs etc here is what I am talking about…

It is my latest art project! This is what it looks like after two weeks… I am really hoping it will be fab by the end of the term….will it take that long?

I am using a grid to enlarge it…

Now some of my fellow art students think that this is cheating, and you might too. It is so much easier, yes I admit it, to get the object larger and accurate.
Normally we draw larger anyway when we try to draw without proper measurements. Our teacher occasionally shows us this by making us trace our view of the object on a piece of glass to show exactly how small the object actually is.

I am loving this enlargement! In fact when talking to the teacher, David, I almost called it orgasmic! Luckily I was able to stop myself, poor man! Teehee! But the word “Organic” certainly applies to this drawing and how I feel about doing it!

Alas I can only manage about 3hours at a time as my eyes start straining but I think it’s worth it.
We shall see.


Good One!


This morning I am grateful to the scales! I know, a first really, but this morning’s weigh in says I have lost another 3.25 lbs this week!

Now, to be honest I would have been cross if I had not as this week I have actually tried hard with the food side. Yes, ok, there was a glass of wine at the weekend, but it was a really nice red, and it was served with fillet steak by Hubby, and I’m not going to look that gift horse in the mouth, thank you very much! I defy any of you who are not vegetarian to have said no!

A Precious Gift

Last week I was given a DVD and I watched it last night.

A very good friend had had a video put on DVD as it was decaying badly. She is going through her cupboards and chucking out all those things we tend to keep from our past thinking we will want them forever. Jo found a whole load of video films and wanted to save some of them.

She had found a film of our eldest children at Primary school in a Nativity Play and made a copy for me.
I sat in my kitchen and put it onto my Big Mac (computer, not the burger, no way!).

It was amazing to see these little faces, remembering them as they were then, smiling out into the audience, looking for their parents, waving when they find them; some mouthing to their mothers. I love the glazed looks as they forgot their lines, the rushed lines of others, desperate to get it right but so relieved when their bit has passed.
You can tell those already who loved performing, shining faced, glinting eyes- I wonder what they are doing now?

Then, just at the end, a beautiful smiling little girl in an all familiar red smocked dress and hair and front tooth missing, stepped on stage, smiled straight at me and said her piece.

My heart soared, I could feel my grin, hear my laugh….my darling Ally.
She was there in front of me, alive. Worlds are failing me now, and tears pricking my eyes…they didn’t last night!
I played her bit over and over, drinking in her face…I never understood that phrase until now.
I rushed to phone Jo and thank her over and over for one of the most precious gifts I have ever been given! We have no videos of our own of Ally, or her brother, as little ones! Don’t ask me, the gadget girl, why not! We only got our video recorder when she was in hospital! Too late now!

Now, any time I want to remember that giggly, huggy, lovely little girl, to feel her arms around me, I just have to pop the DVD in and there she will be!

I can’t wait to show Hubby and Son this gift. I hope it will fill them with joy as much as it has me.

So, readers, get those cameras going! If you have little ones make sure you get a copy of them in those dreadful school plays, in the sports events; record your love ones at every stage -no need to go over the top, of course, but make sure you have something to make you laugh and fill you will joy in the years to come!


Only 18 more years??

There is a “thing” going round on Facebook that for some reason I thought would be fun to try…here’s the result…

At first I had a good laugh thinking of me playing chess…I have done but many moons ago. Can’t remember who won, but I suspect it wasn’t me!

Then I did the maths…’they’ have only given me 18 more years! HELP!!! That isn’t very long at all!! In fact it is not long enough, thank you very much! I need sooo much more time than that to fit in everything I want to do, achieve etc!

Only 18years?? Why, I’ll only be 71 and 3/4!!! Still a young, wild-at-heart, menopausal, gal!
With all our modern medicines, and better diet we are all living longer… My dear old Mum gave up the ghost at 89, adamant she would outlive all the women in her family(and she did!) and I’m hoping to outlive her…so long as the body and mind keep up. Towards the end of her life Mum had had enough and said she wanted to die. Bless her, I had to point out that God was obviously terrified of having her up with Him giving Him a piece of her mind, as she had promised to! Obviously He had to give in in the end, but He made her wait!

I can laugh about Mum’s journey towards the end, but suddenly I’m not so sure I can laugh at my end…


So this is the motto for the rest of my hopefully-longer-than-18years life!
I AM grateful for everything; I will have a go at as much as I can fit in; I will love as much as I possibly can; I will laugh at as much as I can find that’s funny;

And if by some dreadful chance I only get 18 more years, God had better be ready for the not inconsiderable piece of my mind that I shall be giving Him!

Be warned, God! Think on’t, Lad!



I have just read a great blog by Jayne M Cox on being different. Here’s the link so you can see for yourself. http://jaynemcox.com/blog/goodbye-norm-vive-la-difference/#comment-77856


I have always felt different! From a little girl who was either alone ( I am an only child) or on the fringe of things, to a girl who was (and still is!) fiercely loyal to friends and family, to this woman who “shoots form the heart”.

In Jayne’s Midweek Motivation audio blogs, which I get every week, she asked us to think about what makes us different, and I am finding that really hard! I know I am sort of different, but what makes me different from you? Actually I may not be that different from you as you are reading this!

  • I have always wanted others to be happy, to the point of putting them first before me.
  • I am a very strong person inside – a survivor.
  • I like to soar above the mundane, but am happy lost in ordinary tasks like ironing.
  • I am an observer. I like nothing more than to sit back in a cafe, station, airport, and watch the people around me getting on with their lives.
  • I am very open. To new people, new experiences, new tastes.
  • I am a procrastinator…I should be doing my book keeping!


Actually, the more I type and think, the less I can say exactly how different I am as I am sure you are sitting there, going ‘Me too!” Perhaps this feeling comes form how little children made me feel because I had a deaf mother?

A friend has just said she doesn’t think I am that different from everyone else, as we are all individuals. Very true, we all have our own ways.

And my way is to go through life trying to make others feel good, and me to!

All I know is the more I think the more I feel a very lucky person!