Today is Training Day, and I am beginning to dread it! Why? Because I stuffed my face with chocolate yesterday!! Why? Because I am stupid, and weak, and gave into it, that’s why!
Actually, that Why is a biggie, and I can’t really answer it! I am visualising how I felt when I entered the shop to get the paper… There was an element of “oh bugger it” and “because I want to” but I am wondering if it is also to do with my self-image again.
Since having to shelve the 5K my body image has grown…I actually look bigger in the mirror! It was almost an overnight thing, and it is slightly true in that because I am not jogging or working as hard as I was an inch has come back, as has the desire to stuff my face.
Before I was really proud of what I was achieving, and I loved buying and wearing my Eileen Fisher clothes, despite the fact they are mainly black so going near the Golden Retriever was a disaster in them!! Now? My Fat Clothes are creeping back into my wardrobe, I am slouching more, and eating more…
In other words I am setting myself up for failure!
I can feel the thoughts of ” lets cancel Adam. What excuse can I give?” entering my head on a Wednesday evening; so far I have resisted, knowing that if I do it will be the end to all I have so far achieved!!
I have stopped writing down every morsel of food that I eat.
I sit at the kitchen table too long.
I am losing sight of…. .?? What? Where I wanted to be? I didn’t set an End Place, did I?
I think I am letting the Weight Issue become too important compared with the Health Issue.
The fact is I am fitter than last September; I am slimmer; I can move better, breathe better.
I am open to more ideas and people.
I have pushed my boundaries, done things I didn’t think I would, and began to talk to people I didn’t think I would.
Believe it or not I am rather a shy person and meeting new folks always slightly freaks me! But I am fighting that! I HAVE to if I want to enjoy going to Hubby’s golf things with him, and supporting him the way I want to. I am so proud of him, and all he is achieving.
Also we see so little of each other during the weeks with our lifestyle that I want to go with him…
What’s he doing? He has become a referee for the R&A, the British Ruling Body for Golf, he’s on the Rules Committee, and will be refereeing at not only a qualifying round for the .british Open, but also at The Open!! He is also refereeing at St.Omere in June on the European Tour. And he is still working full time!! What a Man!
So you see, it is important to Me that I am comfortable and confident in myself enough to go with Hubby to these events, mix with the other wives, walk round either the courses or various other events; and be able to socialise in the after-event events!
I can hear my mother saying…” But Darling, don’t worry about what they think of you! They should worry about what you think of them!” Wow! How I wish she had given me that gene, instead of the short dumpy one!
But, hey! These are the chips we play with…no, not chips…tooo foodie….. These are the cards I have been dealt. So far, I have won a few hands, lost a few hands, but I think I still hold a strong hand (too many hands now!). I have not folded, even if I have exchanged a few car for others…well, what card player doesn’t! I may not know what game it is I’m playing (!) but at least I’m still in the Game!
So, off to shower, get dressed, look in the mirror and tell that woman what a fabulous, and remarkable person she is….I just hope she believes me!
Oh, and if you see me in the shop…. Steer me away from the chocolate!!
Thanks for reading, Folks!